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It was a day that I will never forget, January 19th 2019, my mother passed away after battling cancer! I sat there lifeless asking for God to give me some explanation. I never wanted to see this day. How could this be so sudden? The pain of sorrow began to take over and my body was suddenly aching. I curled in my bed trying to stay calm but then a big wave of sadness hit my body and the tears came falling down like a flood. I cried until I passed out. I wanted to scream, get angry, run away, and take my life to be in Heaven with her. It was then that I realized that my 2019 year was not going to be business as usual. The painful journey of healing began…one day at a time.
The adventure of motherhood was not easy for my mom. She struggled to make ends meet and she had nothing but love to give. The memories of her life on earth began to replay one by one. As my thoughts race with memories, I began to slip in a downward slope of depression. My mind filled with flashbacks of her suffering while being sick until her last breath. Then things got out of control. I was angry with others, angry with God, and I closed myself off from most people. My mental state of mind was not ruled by peace. I allowed my present circumstances to rule my mind and body. After several months of irrational out of control angry outbursts and careless behaviors with others, I knew something needed to change before things get worse.
It was the summer now and I was desperate for some help! My mind was overloaded. Finally at church, I joined a group-study called Freedom which was offered to people who needed to be set free from anything holding them back. I jumped in immediately because the mental war that I was fighting was stronger than what I could fight. The 8 week study was broken down into weekly thematic behaviors and required intentional meditation for steps of recovery. After taking the course, I quickly felt the freedom from the patterns that ruled my negative behaviors. I regained strength to allow myself to properly grief my mom. Since then, I have joined the study as a Group Facilitator to help others seek their freedom. The saying goes that “free people free people”. The road to recovery is a journey that will require time. Letting go of something that I could not control was a major turning point in the season that I was in. Life is empty without my mom. This truth was hard to accept. I had to find ways to get free so that I could be living life to the fullest despite of the trials. Living on empty was my way of running away from the reality of a deep loss that I experienced earlier in the year.
Painful situations like a death of a loved one can bring deep devastation to anyone who does not deal with it properly. There is no etiquette way of recovering. It takes mental work to even decide that one needs help! Pain floods our lives and recovery repurposes our lives. Living on empty is not the ultimate plan. God knows the plans for each of our lives and the roads are different of each of us. It is a daily choice to keep going despite the seasons in life one encounters.